Yummy Mummies

I remember when I was pregnant with the Pink Kid, the OB-GYN commenting to me that the baby was probably going to be quite large, “You would be in the 90^th percentile for size, so your baby will probably be large – canaries have canaries!”  (with the unspoken corollary, ‘elephants have elephants’, or perhaps the even less attractive version, ‘hippos have hippos’).

It’s concerning that you bestow your less attractive traits on your poor unsuspecting kids, and, it seems, in a less equitable quantity than your better ones.  But the good news is that there is someone else whose genes are in the mix, so blame is not clear cut J. 

Anyways, I guess the insecurity that has me stream-of-consciousnessing today is that lack of attractiveness I’ve always felt since passing 175cm when I was 15.  Problem is, I am not upset about it!  In fact it is a constant source of amusement, and it’s still following me!

I mean, start with school pickup - a fairly routine, uneventful task, angst-free for most.  But no.  For me it is now filled with apprehension.  You see, I’ve realized that mothers look much better than they used to.  Today’s woman has not accepted flabby abdomens and tuck shop arms as inevitable and she has fought back into her pre-pregnancy wardrobe with 21^st century project management and efficiency.  Exercise, diet and all round health consciousness prevails.   Designer brands are in abundance during school pickup!  It is the era of the Yummy Mummy!

Conversely, I have maintained my post-pregnancy figure with a diet featuring all 5 food groups (Burger King, McDonalds, KFC, Fish’n’chips and Donut King).  I have marvelously developed jaw muscles.   I have a wardrobe consisting mainly of my work clothes.  Since I work from home, this means trackie pants, sheepskin moccasins and sloppy windcheaters.  Yep, I am the variation on the theme.  I am… Crummy Mummy!

So pickup, when one has to show one’s food-stained face to collect Pink Kid and Blue Kid, becomes a time for odious comparisons and ego reduction.

Wherein we arrive at today’s book review (haven’t done one for a while, have I?). 

“Charlie the Chick” is a cute book with a wonderful ‘surprise’ pop-up ending!  It is simple for the very young child and both Pink Kid and Blue Kid have enjoyed it right through the 3yo to 5yo age groups (and they still laugh uproariously at the ending even now).  Let me elaborate…

<SPOILER ALERT!>

Charlie the Chick has big body parts, and it is explained, piecemeal, as to why each of these body parts is big.  Each page has a pop out, so when we are talking about Charlie’s beak, the big beak pokes out from the page.  When we’re talking about his big feet, they too protrude expansively into one’s face.  This is great for young kids, but be warned that all the pages will ultimately be mutilated by inquisitive little fingers!

But the thing my kids love most about “Charlie the Chick” is the same idea with which I’ve opened today’s blog.  Canaries, elephants, hippos and the like… that idea.  Because the punchline for “Charlie the Chick” is, that “if you think Charlie is big… you should see his… mother” <insert Pink Kid and Blue Kid’s raucous laughter> and the final page of the book unfolds to reveal a monstrously large chicken.  Ah dear, Crummy Mummy strikes again…

Speaking of Pole Dancing...

No, hopefully this is still rated G.

But The Animated Woman performed a twitter striptease/pole dance to get those last 10 followers to achieve 10000!  CONGRATULATIONS!  This cunning plan worked a treat!

So in celebration of her achievement, here is the pole dancing ghostie for your delectation...

 and, of course, the audience:

I do encourage you to visit The Animated Woman's website, it's wonderful!  Oh, and follow her on Twitter! @LittleAnimation

 

Pink Kid pulls a Sickie

It’s school holidays and today (Friday) is the last day of the holiday swimming programme at the Swim School where the Pink Kid and Blue Kid attend.  Pink Kid doesn’t feel well.  On closer questioning, it seems she has a roaming headache (changes location each time you ask her).  There is also the chance of throwing up (very effective opt-out symptom due to the mess-threat).  She might be sick…  I’m inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt.  But just for the record, there’s serious doubt.

In her favour, she is a good participant.  She’s made great progress this week with her swimming.  She’s doing laps with a kickboard and is “nearly there” with freestyle.  I’m impressed.  So, I figure, she might be sick, and, well, ok, I can live with the existing effort to date… unlike that of the Blue Kid.

On the way to the Swim School, I give Blue Kid a lecture on the fine art of swimming…

“No spaghetti arms!” I say, “strong arm movements, punch out firmly… like in Tae Kwon Do!”  Blue Kid nods absently… 

Blue Kid, it should be noted generally, does not always “make effective use of class time”.  (Does anyone else recognize this phrase from school reports?)  Blue Kid can sometimes be relied upon to diligently perform a given exercise with the proviso that close monitoring by the authority figure is uninterrupted.  Stop looking… he stops doing.  In the current context, this means that when the swimming instructor looks away to help another kid, Blue Kid’s feet drop to the ground and he gazes about, occasionally splashing the children in the other pool lanes.

So Pink Kid’s sickie means that I have an uninterrupted 30 minutes of watching the Blue Kid craftily learn as little as possible.  Spaghetti arms feature pervasively… until the instructor turns her attention to him.  When he realizes she’s watching, I realize that he was really listening in the car – with unintended results!  At each stroke, he SMACKS his arm into the water with a strong downward motion. 

Ah, the best laid plans…  Bad Mum strikes again.

I meant that he should strongly push his arm out straight and then slice into the water causing a forward projection of his whole body to assist in driving forward through the water.  Instead, the Blue Kid achieved a hard downward slap, commendably Tae Kwon Do-like, resulting in a sinking momentum and a horrified swimming instructor.

Between laziness, craftiness and following bad advice, the Blue Kid hasn’t had a very successful lesson.  So the inevitable question followed.

“Can I have a lollipop for being so good at swimming?”

Just when you think stereotypes are actually true…

I found out that if you order more than 25 pounds worth of books from Amazon UK, they will ship for free to Australia – YIPEE!  Shopping Spree!  I shopped for 2 hours online, I didn’t have a maximum limit, just a minimum prerequisite!

I bought two Fancy Nancys, a Splat the Cat primary reader,  “A Bad Case of Stripes” and then in a fit of nostalgia, lashed out on “The Magic Faraway Tree”, narrowly avoiding bumping into Mr Pinkwhistle.

The magic brown parcel of books arrived at the door a couple of weeks later.  Of course by that time I had forgotten I’d even ordered them… so it was a SURPRISE!!  As I unpacked them, my heart sank in my chest.  In my pleasurable haze of book buying, I’d forgotten the Blue Kid.  All these books were really Pink Kid material!

The Blue Kid likes “Battleboy”, “Zac Power” and other zappy, sci-fi, super spy stuff bordering on computer game playline storylines.  Most unattractive to my (naturally?) more traditional bent.  I lean towards magical fairies rather than magical destruction.  So when presented with an opportunity for self-indulgence, the Pink Kid became the beneficiary.  Bad Mum strikes again…

Thinking quickly, I handed out the booty.

“This is for you”, I said to the Pink Kid, giving her the Fancys, Splat and Stripes, “and this is for you!” …passing the Blue Kid “The Magic Faraway Tree”.

Turning towards the sink I winced inwardly, waiting for the Super Whine to start – goes something like, “Yuuuuck, what did you buy me THIS for??  It’s a GIRL’S book!”

But it didn’t happen!

“Oh!  I’ve seen this one at my cousin’s house!  This is a great story!  THANKS MUM!!”

Well, I’ll be…  Maybe there is a visit to Mr Pinkwhistle in my near future after all.

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Books mentioned in this blog post (and actually, I can recommend all of them!):